That was the question posed during a meditation session on training motivation.

Up to a year ago my feelings would have responded in the positive. I was forever measuring myself against past performance. Getting frustrated at my inability to reach previous levels – be it a 5k, 10k, trail run or track session. Everything was a battle. Fighting Lyme Disease. A mindset of ‘beating’ chronic illness. That it won’t ‘defeat’ me.

All of this was counterproductive in the extreme. Not least because I became so focused on me and in some denial as to the extent of its impact on me and my family. I became a self-centred pr*ck. Behaviour never to be excused.

Turn to daily meditation and appreciating what we have in life resulted in a totally different outlook. A far more productive outlook and appreciating little things that matter. I use Headspace btw.

So the feelings that came when that question was asked were that happiness is not dependent on my goals. Being content comes from appreciating the life we have. The constant flux. Saying goodnight to those we love. A simple smile

Related to training and running. I have learned to appreciate the joy of being active, whenever my body and time allows. So to smile when out running rather than being driven by times. Appreciating the beautiful off-road routes on our doorstep. Running mindfully when jogging with the kids – who are both getting quicker!! Truly appreciating the fact I can still be active when lots of chronic illness sufferers cannot.

You might be returning from a long spell of injury, frustrated at how hard you now find training. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself of why you do it. Is it for views and fresh air? Wellbeing of mind & body? For the simple fun of exercise?

All the best

Jeff

Travel is fascinating in so many ways – for me it’s about sampling the local food, the people, experiencing other elements of the culture, the sights, the language. Running also offers a chance to clear your head, breathe in the fresh local air. Below are my pics which hopefully give you a sense of the trails and some food I enjoyed.

Okay I only managed 4x relatively short runs of 5-8km each during August. Plus 2 spots of speed training around our villa grounds (the Brownlee drill). So it’s fair to say I put on about 5lbs, or around 10-12kg! So now I’m back home and working off that barrel!

Some shots from Pontevedra, Galicia – I’ll definitely return…

Isla Cies – Best Beach In the World?

Buenos días!

Forest fire planes in action

The food and quality of ingredients was amazing. Local market fayre so much better than what we can often buy here in the UK. I took full advantage of the seafood, such as Fried Fish, Paella, Galician Hake Stew and the odd homemade smoothie…

During our stay, I was inspired to add the Camino de Santiago to my bucket list. I’m not at all religious but have no doubt such a route and adventure would be good for the soul

Then it was a flight home, followed by 2.5hrs sleep max and a drive to Holyhead for the ferry to Ireland. I knew this would trigger the Lymes symptoms but was prepared to lose 2-3 days to that for such a time away.

We spent 6 active days in Rosscarbery, West Cork, then enjoyed 5-star luxury at the Lyrath Estate, Kilkenny for 2 nights R&R, followed by 4 days of joy in near Blessington, Wicklow – a great base for some stunning scenery. The Lyrath even served Butternut Squash soup very similar to my own – though theirs was nicer due to serving it with Guinness bread!

Selected pics from Ireland – where we’ve holidayed about 9 times now…

Post-run rest

Lyrath Estate approach

Wicklow Way nr Glendalough

Classic Celtic honesty

Double rainbow on Lake Blessington

As you might suspect from above, the 127km Wicklow Way was also added to my bucket list. I’ve invited some fellow Rochdale Harriers and friends to consider doing this with me in around 2 years time

So all being well, Autumn/Winter looks ahead to several Lakeland Trails adventures, plus some off-road training. Can’t wait!

Jeff

The response to my Learning to live with Lyme Disease post was genuinely overwhelming. So many messages of support from people to continue the battle. Through extensive research by myself, friends and family, we’d identified a renowned specialist in Brussels, Belgium. 

I was able to book a full consultation with Dr. Boucher and took the Eurostar to Brussels Midi. Eurostar was a cracking service I’d use again. From there it was a simple 20 minute metro to my hotel – very conveniently located within a 15 minute walk of Dr. Boucher’s practice.

 


After discussing my symptoms extensively, including the onset of chronic illness mid 2013 and the ongoing battle to recover, Dr Boucher confirmed I had “multi-systemic infectious disease“. This being Lyme Disease, almost certainly complicated by associated infection, or infections, given the time it has been residing in my system.  To be told this after enduring so much frustration with UK-based treatment, was a huge relief.

Suddenly, here was someone finally explaining to me the notoriously high rate of a false negative result from the Elisa test (up to 95% chance!). Also how such infections hide within the body, weather the storm of various medications, then attack the system again with a vengeance. This, he explained, was why I was benefitting to varying degrees from very strong but isolated antibiotic treatments, only to plateau and need to change to another similar antibiotic. For me that has been Doxycycline -> Lymecycline -> Minocycline. Neither was my current isolated dosage of Minocycline strong enough.

I now have a treatment plan – see below. Pretty sketchy as a result of Dr. Boucher’s handwriting and my notes. Basically I take Riamet for a 15 day cycle (3 days on, 2 days off x3). This is followed by:

* Phase 2a: Minocycline, Pantoprazole, Hydroxychloroquine, Fluconazole for 28 days.
* Phase 2b: I do all of 2a, plus Bactrim for 10 days. Then the 4 plus Azithromycin for 12 days. Then those 4 plus Flagyl for 10 days – this last one apparently will kill anything it sees hence I may suffer significant dips in health due to potentially severe onset of original symptoms.
* Then I repeat that cycle a minimum of 2 more times.

Other elements of the treatment plan include going totally dairy free for 3 months at least. Apparently dairy products can facilitate the harbouring of such infections as Lyme Disease. So I’ve immediately begun to create dairy free running fuels such as the dairy free apricot bars.  Plenty of pureed fruit will also aid gut health, through easier digestion. Also, probiotic tablets twice a day.

Whilst this treatment plan covers around 4 months, Dr. Boucher expects it to be 5-12 months until I am hopefully cured. I expect to need another appointment with him in September, then it will be a case of liaising via email.

Through the whole process, I’ll be required to keep a very detailed diary of my main symptoms. For me they will be fatique, joint pain, neck pain, headaches, urinary habits, bloating. Each of these will be scored 1-10 according to severity on a daily basis. I’m also required to annotate which medication stage I’m on.

All of this will give us the insight as to how my recovery progresses, through overall mapping of symptoms, plus the trend for each main individual symptom. We had also discussed the extensive neurological impact of the disease which is thankfully much reduced at the moment.

Back in the UK, my GP has been absolutely superb. He has prescribed the full range of treatments and we’ve been able to access the medication as directed. So I’m on day 7 of a long and hopefully positive process. I’ll be rattling for months with this lot (below is phase 2a only)!

Key Advice for anyone worried they may have Lyme Disease:

1. Look at the work of the UNESCO and WHO funded research group – their newsletter discussing emerging bacterial diseases is here.
2. See a briefer summary on their ‘seminar on Pathogens causing diseases‘
3. Prof. Brugère-Picoux is leading this particular research
4. These pages may also help you:

Borreliosis and Associated Diseases Awareness UK
Centre for Disease Control and Prevention

Hopefully I’ll soon be bombing up trails and fells, rather than really struggling or sometimes being barely able to walk/stand. Maybe then this claim in @TrailRunningMag will prove correct

Here’s to good health
Jeff

There is no better way of getting a real feel for a place than exploring on foot. The sights, sounds and smells give you a sense of the atmosphere and help embed the destination in your memory.

By a quirk of fate, it was almost 25 years to the day that I’d last visited Venice during a truly amazing Interrail trip with 3 mates.  You can still do this and I’d recommend to anyone!  I’ve never forgotten the four of us ambling around, discovering such wonders as Piazza San Marco, Rialto Bridge, Ca D’Oro – the incredible gothic palace etc. Neither have I forgotten the incredibly moving sound of baroque musicians playing Mozart on the Rialto Bridge after 10pm: 4 Liverpool lads joining tourists and locals to listen.

I have to admit to taking my running trainers, shorts & top to other places and not always having the time or inclination to go for a blast. But like I had done in Finland, this was different.

I decided to rise about 90 mins before required and just enjoy a bright early morning jog. Venice is so small and a real maze of a place, so finding myself doubling back from dead-ends was part of the fun. So too was pausing to take some pics. I only saw one other person out running in the hour I was enjoying the freedom of the place – whereas in any other city or town in the world I’ve gone running, I’ll see many fellow runners. No doubt this is because of the layout and confined space.

A lovely morning temperature of about 15C plus a slight breeze off the Adriatic Sea made this a real pleasure. It was a flat as a pancake too.

I returned to a shower and a continental breakfast, fully energised for the working day ahead – and slightly smug that I’d been out for a run Hopefully I won’t be leaving it another 25 years…

Jeff

Numerous runners, family, friends have asked me to share my story of dealing with Lyme Disease. I’ve initially been reticent for a number of reasons, not least it being so very personal, a mental and physical battle. Mostly that it might come across as ‘woe is me’ and that’s not the kind of person I am or strive to be.

But persuade they did. I hope this helps family, friends, colleagues and those in my wider professional and running network understand the complexities of recovery.

More than anything, that it provides some useful insight and potentially comfort for anyone else with Lyme Disease or chronic illness.

So how did this all start? Well I’d always been very active, both physically and professionally. I’d run my own business for almost 7 years, switched career, got to 2/3 of the way through a part time PhD, joined a running club, bought my first new road bike… However I noticed that I had started to become ill on a cyclical basis. Having very rarely ever had time off with illness through my career, my periods of struggling into work began to take their toll. My system eventually completely crashed in May 2013.

It was only then and through having to provide my GP with the details that I was able to look back and identify the pattern of symptoms. Over a period of 15-18 months, I’d been going through cycles of feeling very rough indeed every 12 weeks or so. And I’m not just talking ‘man flu’ here, it was a genuine struggle to do anything. Thankfully I love my job so I was able to cope with the positive pressure that puts on me. The most noticeable symptom was that every 6 weeks I’d get these superficial nodules in my armpits and occasionally near my pubic area (nice!). For a long time I’d assumed these were spider bites or something but in hindsight I was able to identify that they appeared every 6 weeks almost to the day! That’s when I knew there was something more to this.

Progressively it got worse and two key incidents made this obvious to me:

(i) On the day of a relay with the Harriers, I woke to find my legs feeling like lead. I put this down to pre-race nerves. However during the run I was slightly slower than I’d expected to be and was genuinely drained on getting home – thanks to Chris, Jack, Nick we finished 3rd;

(ii) A week or so later I almost passed out having completed a relatively straightforward 5km race. I’ve never fainted before and intuitively felt something was wrong.

Very early June that was it…I became bed-ridden for initially 10 days and slept almost constantly for 3 days. Family were obviously very worried. They made me drink fluids and eat what I could. Despite this I lost almost 14lbs (6.5kg) within 3 weeks! (Remember I’d been very healthy so didn’t really have much spare fat – well okay a little bit!)

These are some of the main symptoms – which you can see are complex and varied:

Physical:

* Extreme fatigue
* Intense headaches – particularly frontal
* Joint pain
* Muscle pain
* Kidney pain
* Nodules on skin
* Chest rash cyclically
* Waxy skin complexion and occasionally grey tone
* Floaters (in the eyes!)
* Immune system very low indeed. Susceptible to almost any ailment – typically manifests itself with flaring up of my own symptoms.
* Totally unable to control body temperature
* Night sweats
* Sleep very fractured sleep now since June 2013
* Then excessive night time sleep
* Excessive bladder usage – e.g. urinating up to 4x a night
* Mixed bowel movements – seems to be regularly, then 3-4 times p/day
* Occasional loss of libido [ho hum]
* Sore feet (soles)

Neurological:

* Confusion / difficulty finding words and communicating
* Speech errors & wrong words, e.g. ‘more the better’: rather than ‘more the merrier’ [confused with ‘sooner the better’]
* Forgetfulness (attention, short term)
* Severe anxiety – something I’d never suffered from at all.

Below is the mapping of the stages I’d been through, in order to help my GP and a Lyme Disease specialist make sense of what was going on. For anyone dealing with chronic illness I’d recommend doing this. Helps clarify things for you, those close to you and any medical professional you may see.

The Battle with the Medical Profession

My major problem was that I didn’t remember being bitten by a tick – apparently between 50-60% of Lyme Disease sufferers are the same. Neither did I have the classic ‘bullseye rash’ that can be a key early indicator. Basically if not identified quickly you are at risk of the disease taking a real hold in your system rather than being able to be treated and rid of it within 4 weeks maximum. Ticks can be so small they’re notoriously difficult to spot.

This fantastic “Ticks” video re. Lyme Disease by the British Mountaineering Council explains a lot.

Luckily my GP was absolutely brilliant. Always open-minded and genuinely listening to what I explained to him. Totally understood my concerns at every step of the way. I consider myself incredibly fortunate in this respect and later sent a letter to him and the practice thanking them for their continued high level of care.

With in excess of 20 blood tests, x-rays, scans etc. I was tested for everything, from minor ailments to life-threatening conditions. Luckily nothing concrete showed up. Yet the perverse paradox was that I was desperate for them to find something so I’d know for definite what I was dealing with. I sincerely hope that doesn’t offend anyone who has been diagnosed with a serious condition.

Sadly I couldn’t be as positive about the infectious diseases specialist team I saw. The registrar proceeded to work through a very prescriptive form to discover my symptoms – dismissively waving away my offer to show her the above mapping of symptoms. Crucially, she refused to believe that Lyme Disease was a risk in the UK! Myself and relatives found this astounding given the research we had done online (and I was fully aware of the risks of internet diagnosis).  Both the registrar and consultant I was later to see made major errors in noting my symptoms. Worst of all, they suggested this was all viral and that I was to come off the medication. Working with the GP I was to prove this to be incorrect. We also think it very likely I was bitten by a tick when running off-road in the Lakes, Finland or the Med. So it’s often insect repellent and/or running tights now!

I was in a situation of being prescribed medication based on Lyme Disease, with my full understanding that I hadn’t been 100% diagnosed with this. The one thing we did know for certain was that I was responding positively to Doxycycline of 200Mg 2x/day.

On finding a Lyme Disease specialist, he reassured me that is was definitely not viral, nor was it in my mind. He had the confidence to ask me to “tell your story” and listened intently. He explained how difficult Lyme Disease is to diagnose – as experienced by many sufferers including Avril Lavigne recently.  For example, in my case the Elisa test results suggested Lyme Disease yet the Lyme immunoblot was not conclusive. Ultimately he recommended I continue with my antibiotic treatments and seek holistic therapies such as Kinesiology and Reiki. Anything that would help body recover and potentially reboot my immune system.

On the recommendation of a very dear friend – herself suffering with chronic illness – I saw a Kinesiology practitioner, Julie Elder of Totally Holistic Health. As well as helping immensely with physical symptoms, she taught me a lot about diet which, although very healthy anyway, could further benefit from more raw food and less refined ingredients. Hence ultimately my mix of food and running on this blog!

A Battle of the Mind

Work were absolutely brilliant, putting no pressure on me – in fact actively seeking to take it off.  However, anxiety was the devil on my shoulder. I eventually returned to work late August 2013 and was extremely apprehensive for no rational reason. It was also a huge physical effort to walk about 300 metres to the building from where I’d parked. For someone active all his life this was very hard to take.

So it was a case of very supportive colleagues and encouraging me to “just do what you can”.  A key lesson I’d pass onto anyone is to openly communicate with key colleagues. If you’re lucky like I was/am, they will support you. I’m proud to say I did not miss any key work commitments since returning – and still haven’t.

By early 2014, my GP had diagnosed me with depression, triggered by the chronic illness. He reassured me he’d have been very surprised had I not been depressed such was the extent of my chronic illness. Treatment for this was the lowest dose of Fluoxetine. Despite everything I knew and understood about depression, I still felt a sense of shame. It’s still something I’ve only discussed with a handful of people. We really ought to reconfigure how this is perceived. For me, the brain is an organ so it would help to start calling conditions of this nature “brain illness” rather than “mental illness” and the various negative connotations that has.

Thankfully I’ve been able to deal with the anxiety no matter how severe. On one memorable – and in a way funny – occasion, I had an incredibly strong urge to bolt out of work! On my way to delivering a presentation the devil on my shoulder was telling me “You’re crap! You can’t do this, just run!” Thankfully I resisted the urge and smiled on entering the room and continued apparently as normal

It was very tough too not being able to train with club members. A scouser, I’d been heartily adopted by Rochdale Harriers   So for the 12-15 months I couldn’t exercise, it was of immense help to just go down, watch training sessions and chat to people. Without that network I’m convinced I may not have returned to running.

Lastly, I found myself questioning everything… am I imagining this? Are those close to me frustrated? Do people believe me?

Giving very mixed messages

Now massively improved thanks to continued use of very strong antibiotics, things continue to be on an upward trajectory overall. This is why I’m acutely aware of giving very mixed signals to people. Like so many of us, I’ll smile and try to be positive, even if inside physically/brain-wise I’m feeling like absolute shit. In total I’ve been living the vast majority of nearly 700 days feeling like I have genuine flu. However I’ve learned to ignore it in many respects. Improvement is not linear, it’s very much up and down from one day or week to the next.

I’m very conscious of giving mixed messages. Family, friends, colleagues increasingly see me as getting better which is brilliant. Particularly when they see pics and stories of me #trailrunning the likes of Hawkshead, Staveley, Coniston etc.

I learned to enjoy running and any form of exercise for what it is – an opportunity to feel alive… the wind in your hair, the rain on your face… Running in particular seems to clear my head by allowing me to just be in the moment – cheesy as that sounds! The first time back was a very simple 1km run. I’ll never forget the joy of just trotting along outside for the first time in about 15 months, some light rain on my face and massive smile

Anything involving full concentration continues to take it’s toll on me. So PhD reading and writing has had to go on hold for almost 2 years now! Previously earmarked for promotion on several occasions this has had a direct impact on my career. But I know that won’t be forever and I’ll deal with what I can control.

I regularly deal with internal conflict. E.g. feeling good, then feeling awful; promotion being extremely important one day, far less so the next; content not to study, frustrated at my inability to complete PhD, active one week, not the next. For this I’ve found The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters invaluable.

I know dips are inevitable and will continue to be so for up to another 2 years – possibly permanently. Medication is likely to continue for at least another 3 months, taking it to over 24 months in total and incorporating my imminent consultation with a specialist in Belgium early July 2015.

Taking the Positives from all of this

✓ All of this has helped me even more acutely recognise how important it is to live life and grasp it with both hands. Family and friends have done everything they can, either being a sounding board, listening to my [ahem] occasional whinging, cookery suggestions etc.

✓ I know people care about me and trust they know that is mutual. My network is not huge but it’s quality. For example, Ben ran Hawkshead and encouraged me constantly. For that I was eternally grateful!

✓ Running club mates have been an absolute inspiration to me. From those who simply encouraged me back, to those that accomplished amazing things, plus others who have cajoled me along during training or a race – you all know who you are Interviewees on this RunEatRepeat.co.uk blog have incredible tales of their own to tell.

✓ Close family, friends, people I interact with every day through my work – all continue to be a source of energy and inspiration.

✓ I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself – something so many of us are guilty of.

This has not beaten me and will not beat you! 

So that appears to be the end of this unedited story. Apologies for any waffle and the length of my diatribe.

If you are struggling with Lyme Disease – either suspected or diagnosed, these pages may help:

• Borreliosis and Associated Diseases Awareness UK
• Centre for Disease Control and Prevention

As I said at the very beginning, I hope this helps anyone who may be suffering with any chronic illness. Take each day at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself

Jeff